Sitting with a full bladder, doing the dance in my seat while it appears none of these other women have the same issue. In my head I am begging them to call my name and get this ultrasound over with. But I wait and I dance.
Today I have a meeting to discuss ivf. It's another dreaded step down this path but I am approaching it with hope and an attempt at positivity. We haven't made any decisions, we are gathering information.
I had an appointment with a naturopath on Monday and it was amazing! She gave me hope! This is not an easy feat given my recent state of hopelessness. But, like the rest of my life, it's a wait and see game - once we make our decisions here, she will be able to help me! Yay!
Oh sweet Jesus I am going to pee my pants!!!
I am nervous too so my tummy is doing loop d'loops!
Hoping for positive outcomes, strength and to not pee my pants!!!
C
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Well...that sucked.
One week! It's taken me one week to process the information that we will not be able to conceive unless we do ivf. I haven't digested it all. I am still an emotional wreck. I am still shaking my head at the mess I am in.
I can't explain my hesitation to proceed because it still doesn't make sense. I have so many issues (twists and turns the doctor called them) that lessens the success rate for this procedure. And yet it is our ONLY option next to adoption. It's a sucky place to be.
D sees this as a problem with a possible solution. My sister sees it as a problem with my clinic, me and sees the need for another opinion. Several friends see it as shitty news. And I see it as too much. I don't know how to explain how overwhelmed I am. I can't ensure success so I don't know how to move on. Nothing I do can change the outcome - I am a control freak. I need to be able to work hard to change the outcome.
Lately I've looked at a lot of other fertility blogs, websites and funny things. I love that I am not the only bitter girl who can't get over the opinions that have been thrown my way. I love the common ground we share but hate that this is so common.
I guess today I just needed to say I was right. The bad news came and while there are way worse things in the world, I know that today...this feels like my worst. :(
Tomorrow might feel easier.
I can't explain my hesitation to proceed because it still doesn't make sense. I have so many issues (twists and turns the doctor called them) that lessens the success rate for this procedure. And yet it is our ONLY option next to adoption. It's a sucky place to be.
D sees this as a problem with a possible solution. My sister sees it as a problem with my clinic, me and sees the need for another opinion. Several friends see it as shitty news. And I see it as too much. I don't know how to explain how overwhelmed I am. I can't ensure success so I don't know how to move on. Nothing I do can change the outcome - I am a control freak. I need to be able to work hard to change the outcome.
Lately I've looked at a lot of other fertility blogs, websites and funny things. I love that I am not the only bitter girl who can't get over the opinions that have been thrown my way. I love the common ground we share but hate that this is so common.
I guess today I just needed to say I was right. The bad news came and while there are way worse things in the world, I know that today...this feels like my worst. :(
Tomorrow might feel easier.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Back to the Doctor
Today we go see the doctor to find out what path to choose. I am a mess. Every time I go, he has more bad news. I am worried today that he will have nothing good to say. I hate this adventure.
It's also picture day. I have gained so much weight that I will look like I ate these kindy kids. I have no good clothing options as its going to suddenly be summer today! I am frustrated and it's barely seven am.
Crazy day ahead!
It's also picture day. I have gained so much weight that I will look like I ate these kindy kids. I have no good clothing options as its going to suddenly be summer today! I am frustrated and it's barely seven am.
Crazy day ahead!
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Nope...not this month
So I didn't need a blood test this month. My body let me know that the IUI didn't work.
My heart is broken. I don't understand why it has to be a struggle and sadness. Does god not want me to be a mom? Why?
It's thanksgiving and I am thankful for all I have, especially a husband I love and family and friends who make my life whole - but I am sad that I could not be celebrating my gratitude for creating life. I am so sad.
We are taking time off. I don't know how long - I don't know what I can continue to put myself through. I am a mess and I need to decide what happens next.
My heart is broken. I don't understand why it has to be a struggle and sadness. Does god not want me to be a mom? Why?
It's thanksgiving and I am thankful for all I have, especially a husband I love and family and friends who make my life whole - but I am sad that I could not be celebrating my gratitude for creating life. I am so sad.
We are taking time off. I don't know how long - I don't know what I can continue to put myself through. I am a mess and I need to decide what happens next.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
And I am back
The funny thing about this journey is that even though the ultimate goal is to create life and build a family - each step is filled with a myriad of emotions and in our case, much of it has been grief.
To fill you in on the past two months - we didn't do iui in August. The genetic counsellor said my chromosome inversion increases my chances of miscarriage, and combined with my age, a genetic disorder that leads to severe physical and mental disabilities. However this increases are marginal. It's unknown how many people walk around with genetic abnormalities similar to mine...so all statistics are pretty grey. Of course I had to ask about the combination of D and I serif as we both have ADD and learning issues (I worry we will create a criminal mastermind). It seems we should be okay - although only time will tell! Lol. Honestly it's a risk we are willing to take.
But it's a terrible feeling knowing there could come a time when we have to decide whether our desire to have a child is worth more than the child's quality of life. (We are talking about extreme medical disability - not ones that only effect mental function or physical function).
There was also a meeting with the doctor where he told me I have a low ovarian reserve which means it is literally now or never! That news still makes me year up.
Onward to the end of August.
I did a cycle of clomid. It wasn't bad - despite the rage attack on D. Lol. We did a round of IUI, and I tested on the first day of school. Imagine my first day at a new school and in kindergarten ... Answering the call that said - nope not this month. This is when my world fell apart.
You see, you struggle for a year, with monthly disappointment and ups and downs and then the doctors say they have a solution and then it fails. Ouch! The worst part is that I thought I was pregnant! I felt it. I was so sure - and that my friends meant the let down was even harder.
I fell to pieces and yet had no opportunity to. Within 4 days I was back on clomid and headed towards round 2!
This time clomid was not my friend! I had a 2 week migraine, and hot flashes beyond belief. On top of all that the whole transition into play based kindergarten in a new room with no toys and 28 children was not going well. How can you be awesome with that kind of noise and a migraine?
Last week the migraine ended and we did IUI once again. This time doctors did the procedures and D was with me. The first round my best friend K (from Kuwait) held my hand...I am so lucky! This time I had no pain, no cramping and ovulated at least 4 eggs. That left ovary may have snuck some out but we don't know. So all looked good.
Now we wait and pretend its not the longest wait ever. Our hearts cannot have hope this month. It is too hard and yet, I am filled with hopeful optimism.
So that's where we are!
It was just all too much for a while for me to write about. I hate being negative - and with all the bad news, it was hard to not sound that way. Sometimes I wonder wether hope is good or bad.
To fill you in on the past two months - we didn't do iui in August. The genetic counsellor said my chromosome inversion increases my chances of miscarriage, and combined with my age, a genetic disorder that leads to severe physical and mental disabilities. However this increases are marginal. It's unknown how many people walk around with genetic abnormalities similar to mine...so all statistics are pretty grey. Of course I had to ask about the combination of D and I serif as we both have ADD and learning issues (I worry we will create a criminal mastermind). It seems we should be okay - although only time will tell! Lol. Honestly it's a risk we are willing to take.
But it's a terrible feeling knowing there could come a time when we have to decide whether our desire to have a child is worth more than the child's quality of life. (We are talking about extreme medical disability - not ones that only effect mental function or physical function).
There was also a meeting with the doctor where he told me I have a low ovarian reserve which means it is literally now or never! That news still makes me year up.
Onward to the end of August.
I did a cycle of clomid. It wasn't bad - despite the rage attack on D. Lol. We did a round of IUI, and I tested on the first day of school. Imagine my first day at a new school and in kindergarten ... Answering the call that said - nope not this month. This is when my world fell apart.
You see, you struggle for a year, with monthly disappointment and ups and downs and then the doctors say they have a solution and then it fails. Ouch! The worst part is that I thought I was pregnant! I felt it. I was so sure - and that my friends meant the let down was even harder.
I fell to pieces and yet had no opportunity to. Within 4 days I was back on clomid and headed towards round 2!
This time clomid was not my friend! I had a 2 week migraine, and hot flashes beyond belief. On top of all that the whole transition into play based kindergarten in a new room with no toys and 28 children was not going well. How can you be awesome with that kind of noise and a migraine?
Last week the migraine ended and we did IUI once again. This time doctors did the procedures and D was with me. The first round my best friend K (from Kuwait) held my hand...I am so lucky! This time I had no pain, no cramping and ovulated at least 4 eggs. That left ovary may have snuck some out but we don't know. So all looked good.
Now we wait and pretend its not the longest wait ever. Our hearts cannot have hope this month. It is too hard and yet, I am filled with hopeful optimism.
So that's where we are!
It was just all too much for a while for me to write about. I hate being negative - and with all the bad news, it was hard to not sound that way. Sometimes I wonder wether hope is good or bad.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Genetic Counselling
Today I prepare myself for more news... I am going to the geneticist to find out what's up with my inverted number 5.
I am a mess!
I am a mess!
Friday, 20 July 2012
Bad news, bad day, bad place
Yesterday's appointment was worse than I expected. I am not writing about it. I am going to wait until the tears have stopped and my pity party is over.
I know that nothing is impossible but sometimes it feels that way.
I know that nothing is impossible but sometimes it feels that way.
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