Today began horribly! It's a long, sad story that involves the end of a 15 year friendship, a lot of tears and fury and well, more tears. And then I rushed to the fertility clinic only to realize the main road out of town was closed! I had to take a back road and I was LATE!
I hate being late although I am always late! I try so hard to be timely but at that I fail...
So I show up late and I get whisked into Richard's room right away! I am all excited, phone in my pocket (ready to capture a picture of my new lover) but the technician never leaves the room!! I change and watch as she delicately lubes and rolls a condom onto Richard. The care these technicians take to practice safe sounds is very amusing to me. It is not the condom - I like that I am safe, but the gentle way they live and roll the rubber...is kind of funny.
She begins the sound and points out my "silver lining" and I love her for making a joke!! There is a big tv mounted on the wall where I can watch the test. I swear aliens live in my uterus...because I am sure I see some freaky creatures and shadows...but alas I know it is empty....for now! And then it dawns on me...I need a picture of MY ultrasound! Every preggo I know posts their ultrasound pic on Facebook - mostly as profile pics. How awesome would it be to make my empty uterus or lonely ovary my profile pic??? I want to do this and hopefully I will - but how do I ask the nice technician? Is it offside? Can I blame my blog (aka free therapy)?
Anyways..today Richard was quick and gentle and it was a fast visit. I have to go again Saturday. I remember when peeing on a stick to see if I was ovulating seemed like a hassle! But I walk on with a smile - because only I can control my happiness!
Tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be super!
Xc
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
My new romance
Tonight, while D snores quietly beside me, I am spending time with Christian Grey. If you haven't read the fifty shades series, I recommend you do... It's pretty filthy but kinda fun! 😉 I accomplished a ton of stuff tonight so I am treating myself to an early bedtime and some smutty reading. I have to prepare for my morning date with Richard you know!
Sweet Dreams
xv
Sweet Dreams
xv
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Quick Background on the Worst Week Ever (or at least a long time)!
So this week began with a hystersonogram-a test where they filled my uterus with saline and took pictures of the inside. It's humiliating but the good news is I have a perfectly shaped uterus! I am so proud I am making a t-shirt that says, "I may not be perfect but my uterus is!" :)
Otherwise it was another pretty negative appointment - one ovary, ovulated early...blah blah blah.
The funny part was that my husband almost got jumped on the way into the clinic because he had an extra large double-double and the TTC (trying to conceive) women are in serious withdrawal! He also freaked out a little when he saw pages of pictures of triplets...doubles were scary but triples almost sent him running.
In short after being violated by the "magic wand" (internal ultrasound stick)...If you are lucky enough to have never had one, I will try to post a pic for you Thursday...it's about ten to twelve inches long....good times! I am thinking of naming the one at the clinic...maybe Randy. No! I had a teacher in high school named Randy - that's a little offside. Maybe Richard. It sounds dignified but still kind of funny! Yea, we'll call him Richard! He is rough. And not in the fun 50 shades way!
Anyhow I digress.
I had a "reaction" to the test- excruciating uterus pain - try explaining that one to your husband!!! And so Monday's visit with Richard was painful as hell! Then I was part of new technician training and the lady pointed out a million problems! I wanted to yell, "BUT IT'S THE PERFECT SHAPE!!!"but I didn't have the nerve.
After that visit I cried all the way to school! Great start to my week! By the end of the day I had lost my new job and will be forced to stay in the dungeon of a school I work in now. It's not that I can pinpoint a cause for the negativity but it is like a plague there and despite having the most amazing friends there I can't imagine growing a human well under all that stress! So I cried all the way home, then a bit more and then I napped, cried to my husband and then watched the Bachelorette. Now I am fine.
I have another appointment Thursday. Another date with Richard. All so we can find out why we can't grow a baby and how to solve the problem. We know my hubby's half ... Now there is a whole different story...but we are investigating mine. Its scary as hell!! But hopefully worth it!
Oh wait there is another story I forgot to tell!
For a wedding gift my dad bought us an ac unit that my then-best-friend was going to have her then-boyfriend install (they are engaged now). It took him until October to install it and then he didn't even finish the job. Last week when asked to come finish it, he refused!! I think my former best friend hates me ...but I have no idea why! So we've been in eleventy-billion degree heat without ac!! Try having a migraine in that kind of heat! It's been bad. So today my hubby was off - lets give him a name too - we will call him D! So D spent the last 7 or so hours doing the "5 minute job" this ex friend's fiancé told him it would be. But we FINALLY HAVE AC!! I am doing cartwheels in my mind! This is the first good thing I happen this week and I am so grateful!
That will be all for now! I am going to go eat my feelings...I think this shitty week needs some ice cream!
Xc
Otherwise it was another pretty negative appointment - one ovary, ovulated early...blah blah blah.
The funny part was that my husband almost got jumped on the way into the clinic because he had an extra large double-double and the TTC (trying to conceive) women are in serious withdrawal! He also freaked out a little when he saw pages of pictures of triplets...doubles were scary but triples almost sent him running.
In short after being violated by the "magic wand" (internal ultrasound stick)...If you are lucky enough to have never had one, I will try to post a pic for you Thursday...it's about ten to twelve inches long....good times! I am thinking of naming the one at the clinic...maybe Randy. No! I had a teacher in high school named Randy - that's a little offside. Maybe Richard. It sounds dignified but still kind of funny! Yea, we'll call him Richard! He is rough. And not in the fun 50 shades way!
Anyhow I digress.
I had a "reaction" to the test- excruciating uterus pain - try explaining that one to your husband!!! And so Monday's visit with Richard was painful as hell! Then I was part of new technician training and the lady pointed out a million problems! I wanted to yell, "BUT IT'S THE PERFECT SHAPE!!!"but I didn't have the nerve.
After that visit I cried all the way to school! Great start to my week! By the end of the day I had lost my new job and will be forced to stay in the dungeon of a school I work in now. It's not that I can pinpoint a cause for the negativity but it is like a plague there and despite having the most amazing friends there I can't imagine growing a human well under all that stress! So I cried all the way home, then a bit more and then I napped, cried to my husband and then watched the Bachelorette. Now I am fine.
I have another appointment Thursday. Another date with Richard. All so we can find out why we can't grow a baby and how to solve the problem. We know my hubby's half ... Now there is a whole different story...but we are investigating mine. Its scary as hell!! But hopefully worth it!
Oh wait there is another story I forgot to tell!
For a wedding gift my dad bought us an ac unit that my then-best-friend was going to have her then-boyfriend install (they are engaged now). It took him until October to install it and then he didn't even finish the job. Last week when asked to come finish it, he refused!! I think my former best friend hates me ...but I have no idea why! So we've been in eleventy-billion degree heat without ac!! Try having a migraine in that kind of heat! It's been bad. So today my hubby was off - lets give him a name too - we will call him D! So D spent the last 7 or so hours doing the "5 minute job" this ex friend's fiancé told him it would be. But we FINALLY HAVE AC!! I am doing cartwheels in my mind! This is the first good thing I happen this week and I am so grateful!
That will be all for now! I am going to go eat my feelings...I think this shitty week needs some ice cream!
Xc
Ranting and Raving....
Here it is!! My very first blog. I have officially entered the 21st century, albeit under crappy circumstances. Right now, I feel like my primary students writing a journal...only in mine I can use expletives and tell it like it really is! I am hoping not to have to use too many colourful words, but hey, this is an adventure!We have entered into the world of fertility treatment. It's a strange and frustrating world - one that holds some promise of hope and joy, knowing in the end, if all works out, we will have a little one, or ones of our own. In the meantime...IT SUCKS!
We are at the beginning of this road. It is exciting and terrifying to say the least. I am a hotbed of emotions and I have decided to blog because I need to be able to say what I think and share it - even if it is just with a big empty hole of cyberspace! Every time I talk about my fears, my anxiety, my questions with the well meaning people around me - I am met with judgement ("You need to calm down") or suggestions ("If you relax it will happen") or I am told I am doing it/thinking about it/talking about it in all the wrong ways ("You're so negative, it will never work if you aren't positive"). So I say eff that! I hate being criticised for just talking about the amazing emotional roller coaster I am on.
I need this blog. I need to rant, and rage, and cry, and scream IN CAPITAL LETTERS, and I need to celebrate, and curse, and let it all out - hopefully without the fear that I am always wrong. So I begin. If you are reading this...thank you! Brace yourself, I have a feeling this will be a rocky ride.
xc
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