The funny thing about this journey is that even though the ultimate goal is to create life and build a family - each step is filled with a myriad of emotions and in our case, much of it has been grief.
To fill you in on the past two months - we didn't do iui in August. The genetic counsellor said my chromosome inversion increases my chances of miscarriage, and combined with my age, a genetic disorder that leads to severe physical and mental disabilities. However this increases are marginal. It's unknown how many people walk around with genetic abnormalities similar to mine...so all statistics are pretty grey. Of course I had to ask about the combination of D and I serif as we both have ADD and learning issues (I worry we will create a criminal mastermind). It seems we should be okay - although only time will tell! Lol. Honestly it's a risk we are willing to take.
But it's a terrible feeling knowing there could come a time when we have to decide whether our desire to have a child is worth more than the child's quality of life. (We are talking about extreme medical disability - not ones that only effect mental function or physical function).
There was also a meeting with the doctor where he told me I have a low ovarian reserve which means it is literally now or never! That news still makes me year up.
Onward to the end of August.
I did a cycle of clomid. It wasn't bad - despite the rage attack on D. Lol. We did a round of IUI, and I tested on the first day of school. Imagine my first day at a new school and in kindergarten ... Answering the call that said - nope not this month. This is when my world fell apart.
You see, you struggle for a year, with monthly disappointment and ups and downs and then the doctors say they have a solution and then it fails. Ouch! The worst part is that I thought I was pregnant! I felt it. I was so sure - and that my friends meant the let down was even harder.
I fell to pieces and yet had no opportunity to. Within 4 days I was back on clomid and headed towards round 2!
This time clomid was not my friend! I had a 2 week migraine, and hot flashes beyond belief. On top of all that the whole transition into play based kindergarten in a new room with no toys and 28 children was not going well. How can you be awesome with that kind of noise and a migraine?
Last week the migraine ended and we did IUI once again. This time doctors did the procedures and D was with me. The first round my best friend K (from Kuwait) held my hand...I am so lucky! This time I had no pain, no cramping and ovulated at least 4 eggs. That left ovary may have snuck some out but we don't know. So all looked good.
Now we wait and pretend its not the longest wait ever. Our hearts cannot have hope this month. It is too hard and yet, I am filled with hopeful optimism.
So that's where we are!
It was just all too much for a while for me to write about. I hate being negative - and with all the bad news, it was hard to not sound that way. Sometimes I wonder wether hope is good or bad.
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