Waiting room - day 18

Last appointment they said we have the go ahead for IUI this month (this week actually). All at once I am scared beyond belief and mostly because I am not sure I have the strength for this. It's funny when I look at all the things I have been through in my short life - the illness and death of my mom who was my best friend mostly, and I think of how strong I have had to be for myself and others... And yet I am questioning myself entirely!
My worries are that it is a one follicle first try IUI with no meds. That means it could likely be practice - an expensive practice at that. I am afraid to fail. To try and fail. Dumb eh?

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my genetic testing which may also impact this process. I have put off paying because I am not sure if what he has to say will change the outcome or the odds. And of course I do this all on my own. D has to work, and although I have great friends and a sister who has been there - it comes down to these small moments - waiting, being assaulted by Richard, pricked by a needle... And I feel like the millions of questions and worries swirling around in my brain are mine alone and they may swallow me right up! I don't think anyone really understands because every situation is so different.
I am grateful for the few people who share my journey and who try to understand and offer support when they can. So thankful. And I am incredibly grateful for the friend who does know and has been down this road but with more twists and curves... Because she gets it and doesn't fault me for my feelings of uncertainty and self-pity. Even when they may seem ridiculous!
It's crazy but I am drowning right now in questions and confusion and emotion. Excited for the next step and scared.
But I was advised to jump- and jump I will, eyes squeezed tight and heart in my throat. I will jump with my best attempt at reckless abandon! And pray for a solid landing.