Sitting in the parking lot. Waiting for D ... Today we find out what is wrong. I have been too busy to think about it all day, and right now I am here, waiting, ready to puke with anxiety. I am not ready for bad news. I am not ready for a plan. I am just scared!! Too many what ifs are coursing through my head and I need to calm down but I don't know how to!
A couple more minutes and we will know...and the real journey will begin!
Wish me more than luck!
Xo c
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Saturday, 9 June 2012
I get it!
They say in life everything happens for a reason, and if you had asked me a week ago, I would have said I see no sense in all the hurt and sadness I was feeling. But today, I see it and it all makes sense!
I lost my best friend. That I have spoken about here. I also ended up in major conflict with another close friend and was hurt beyond belief. At the beginning of this week I thought my world was caving in! But then, through a random series of events, I ended up talking to, receiving messages from, and spending time with a whole bunch of new, old and different friends. The message I got from all of these conversations was that I was cared about, and still had AMAZING friends! I felt a huge sense of relief because it wasn't every friend who thought I was a terrible person...just 2.
I had a chance to feel loved, and I got to talk to friends and gain new perspectives on this journey I am on.
I also spent time working on the friendship aspect of my marriage too. I have heard people say that you marry your best friend... I wouldn't say that was true in my case, but that was because I put so much sacred emphasis on my best friendship! I love my husband and we do have a great friendship but it was not comparable to my BEST friend. I realized this week though, we have grow our friendship a lot over the past year and particularly six months as things have fallen apart with my BFF. He has become my rock and sounding board and friend! It just took me time to see the change.
Last night I had coffee with my high school best friend and blogging inspiration. It made my heart so happy and gave me so much hope for the road ahead. She showed me what strength is! I am looking forward to spending more time together! Driving home I felt like I did when I was in high school. :)
This weekend is my birthday weekend, I turn 34 next week! I have lots of things to do (including report cards - boo) and I am looking forward to enjoying my time. It sucks that I will be missing two of my friends, but I am focusing on the ones around me! Who knows ... This may be the last birthday I will celebrate without a mom card to open! ;)
Happy Saturday Friends!
Xo c
I lost my best friend. That I have spoken about here. I also ended up in major conflict with another close friend and was hurt beyond belief. At the beginning of this week I thought my world was caving in! But then, through a random series of events, I ended up talking to, receiving messages from, and spending time with a whole bunch of new, old and different friends. The message I got from all of these conversations was that I was cared about, and still had AMAZING friends! I felt a huge sense of relief because it wasn't every friend who thought I was a terrible person...just 2.
I had a chance to feel loved, and I got to talk to friends and gain new perspectives on this journey I am on.
I also spent time working on the friendship aspect of my marriage too. I have heard people say that you marry your best friend... I wouldn't say that was true in my case, but that was because I put so much sacred emphasis on my best friendship! I love my husband and we do have a great friendship but it was not comparable to my BEST friend. I realized this week though, we have grow our friendship a lot over the past year and particularly six months as things have fallen apart with my BFF. He has become my rock and sounding board and friend! It just took me time to see the change.
Last night I had coffee with my high school best friend and blogging inspiration. It made my heart so happy and gave me so much hope for the road ahead. She showed me what strength is! I am looking forward to spending more time together! Driving home I felt like I did when I was in high school. :)
This weekend is my birthday weekend, I turn 34 next week! I have lots of things to do (including report cards - boo) and I am looking forward to enjoying my time. It sucks that I will be missing two of my friends, but I am focusing on the ones around me! Who knows ... This may be the last birthday I will celebrate without a mom card to open! ;)
Happy Saturday Friends!
Xo c
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Nothing to say!
I have been quiet because my mom taught me if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all.
No one wants to read a whiny poor-me blog!!
I have a follow up appointment next week so no more dates with Richard! I kinda miss him ... Ha ha!
I am really lucky because the last 24 hours has shown me that sometimes you don't realize how much you are cared about until you are hurt by others - and the ones who truly care rally around you! If that makes any sense. I am searching for rainbows after the storm today!!
Reminding myself to have faith and let go!
Xo c
No one wants to read a whiny poor-me blog!!
I have a follow up appointment next week so no more dates with Richard! I kinda miss him ... Ha ha!
I am really lucky because the last 24 hours has shown me that sometimes you don't realize how much you are cared about until you are hurt by others - and the ones who truly care rally around you! If that makes any sense. I am searching for rainbows after the storm today!!
Reminding myself to have faith and let go!
Xo c
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Ever feel like the world isn't giving you what you want? Ever feel like the people you love the most hate you?
That is where I am at today! I should preface this by pointing out I am easily hurt by others because I tend to take everything to heart. It's a weakness that I can't overcome.
I am also not stupid. I know if you have problems in all your best friendships then you must be the problem! I am not in conflict with all my closest friends - I wouldn't even say I am in conflict - just cut out and kicked out of another persons life whom I considered to be one of my best friends. That is two this week! I guess I am on a roll.
Don't misunderstand this pity party! I am sure I am at fault! But neither of these people are talking to me! So I can't solve the problems which I assure you I did not deliberately create!
So here I am on a lonely Sunday morning wondering what is so flawed about me that my best friends see fit to abandon me without the opportunity to talk or fight it out. I am so upset and so hurt and am starting to get angry. That's never good!
How do you let go?
How do you take all the emotional stuff that I am going through (now without my longstanding support network) and find the strength to deal with the loss of friendships?
How do I get through a single day without tears?
Today I need my mom, but she is in heaven. Although she may be with me always - I need her here to help me. NOW! I hate this feeling.
How do I not just quit life?
That is where I am at today! I should preface this by pointing out I am easily hurt by others because I tend to take everything to heart. It's a weakness that I can't overcome.
I am also not stupid. I know if you have problems in all your best friendships then you must be the problem! I am not in conflict with all my closest friends - I wouldn't even say I am in conflict - just cut out and kicked out of another persons life whom I considered to be one of my best friends. That is two this week! I guess I am on a roll.
Don't misunderstand this pity party! I am sure I am at fault! But neither of these people are talking to me! So I can't solve the problems which I assure you I did not deliberately create!
So here I am on a lonely Sunday morning wondering what is so flawed about me that my best friends see fit to abandon me without the opportunity to talk or fight it out. I am so upset and so hurt and am starting to get angry. That's never good!
How do you let go?
How do you take all the emotional stuff that I am going through (now without my longstanding support network) and find the strength to deal with the loss of friendships?
How do I get through a single day without tears?
Today I need my mom, but she is in heaven. Although she may be with me always - I need her here to help me. NOW! I hate this feeling.
How do I not just quit life?
Saturday, 2 June 2012
A Saturday with Richard
This weekend my husband D is playing in a lacrosse tournament and as much as I love watching him (he's actually kicking a$$ this weekend) I wasn't keen on spending my weekend in the arena! I am taking a course and writing report cards, so I am busy. Actually crazy-busy! But I went last night because I love him. :)
Today I had an appointment with Richard. He got lubed up and went to town. He was very rough today - very red room of pain! I didn't like it.
My favourite blood taking nurse was there though. She said I was tough I laughed! Having blood taken 5 times in a couple of weeks from the same site does not make me tough! After all I have just spent a week in tears and at odds with the world because I am anything but tough. But I wanted to hug her nonetheless!
I also met with a great nurse who was so positive with me!!! She was again so kind and helpful and patient and I am so incredibly grateful that I have such amazing professionals to work with!
It was a great day for that. Unfortunately I got the call that my progesterone is up so I have ovulated even though my follicles do not show that. There will obviously be no hope of pregnancy this month but it has been quite an interesting month! I get to book my follow up appointment with the doctor now and I am praying we have hope for IUI! Pray with me.
I have had such a painful week and there isn't much hope of the hurt going away anytime soon. I don't let go too easily!
The plus side of today was that I also found out that my poor sleep nights and jittery feelings (panic attacks anyone?) are likely side effects to the thyroid medicine I am on - and with any luck they will pass!!
As I listen to D snore as he "watches" the hockey game ... Damn overtime (GO KINGS!) I realize I am so lucky to have a husband I love so much and who is so committed to creating a family. I am one of the lucky few. Last night we had a big chat ... More than anything, I know he is my biggest cheerleader! He won't walk away when it gets tough. If he didn't stink like a rancid lacrosse player, I would snuggle right into him....but for now I will love him from a safe distance! <3
Tomorrow is a new day! It will be a great one. Or at least I will make it through!
Xc
Today I had an appointment with Richard. He got lubed up and went to town. He was very rough today - very red room of pain! I didn't like it.
My favourite blood taking nurse was there though. She said I was tough I laughed! Having blood taken 5 times in a couple of weeks from the same site does not make me tough! After all I have just spent a week in tears and at odds with the world because I am anything but tough. But I wanted to hug her nonetheless!
I also met with a great nurse who was so positive with me!!! She was again so kind and helpful and patient and I am so incredibly grateful that I have such amazing professionals to work with!
It was a great day for that. Unfortunately I got the call that my progesterone is up so I have ovulated even though my follicles do not show that. There will obviously be no hope of pregnancy this month but it has been quite an interesting month! I get to book my follow up appointment with the doctor now and I am praying we have hope for IUI! Pray with me.
I have had such a painful week and there isn't much hope of the hurt going away anytime soon. I don't let go too easily!
The plus side of today was that I also found out that my poor sleep nights and jittery feelings (panic attacks anyone?) are likely side effects to the thyroid medicine I am on - and with any luck they will pass!!
As I listen to D snore as he "watches" the hockey game ... Damn overtime (GO KINGS!) I realize I am so lucky to have a husband I love so much and who is so committed to creating a family. I am one of the lucky few. Last night we had a big chat ... More than anything, I know he is my biggest cheerleader! He won't walk away when it gets tough. If he didn't stink like a rancid lacrosse player, I would snuggle right into him....but for now I will love him from a safe distance! <3
Tomorrow is a new day! It will be a great one. Or at least I will make it through!
Xc