Yesterday's appointment was worse than I expected. I am not writing about it. I am going to wait until the tears have stopped and my pity party is over.
I know that nothing is impossible but sometimes it feels that way.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Is it wrong????
Is it wrong that there is a lady here who is about 5-6 months pregnant and is looking woefully sad and unhappy and I want to bitch-slap her???? I'm like, "bitch! You're in a fertility clinic and your pregnant! Effin smile! You're what we are all dying to be!!!"
I am going to snap!
Just sayin!
I am going to snap!
Just sayin!
Busy clinic!
The clinic is rammed today! I am waiting with a bunch of pregnant women, kind of hoping it's contagious! It's pure insanity here!
I am waiting on results of a genetic test today (no Richard this visit) and I am thinking it can't be good news, or they wouldn't have made me book an appointment. But what can I do but face the music?!
Had a meltdown today to poor D. I told him how scared and alone I feel. He was super supportive, but stunned. He doesn't know what to do with me. It's hard because I have so many questions and I just don't know up from down.
Plus I have a migraine. And being in a packed clinic is killing me. It smells soooo bad here. I don't want to be rude but I think I may puke!!!
Anyway...I continue to wait.....
I am waiting on results of a genetic test today (no Richard this visit) and I am thinking it can't be good news, or they wouldn't have made me book an appointment. But what can I do but face the music?!
Had a meltdown today to poor D. I told him how scared and alone I feel. He was super supportive, but stunned. He doesn't know what to do with me. It's hard because I have so many questions and I just don't know up from down.
Plus I have a migraine. And being in a packed clinic is killing me. It smells soooo bad here. I don't want to be rude but I think I may puke!!!
Anyway...I continue to wait.....
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Waiting room - day 18
Last appointment they said we have the go ahead for IUI this month (this week actually). All at once I am scared beyond belief and mostly because I am not sure I have the strength for this. It's funny when I look at all the things I have been through in my short life - the illness and death of my mom who was my best friend mostly, and I think of how strong I have had to be for myself and others... And yet I am questioning myself entirely!
My worries are that it is a one follicle first try IUI with no meds. That means it could likely be practice - an expensive practice at that. I am afraid to fail. To try and fail. Dumb eh?
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my genetic testing which may also impact this process. I have put off paying because I am not sure if what he has to say will change the outcome or the odds. And of course I do this all on my own. D has to work, and although I have great friends and a sister who has been there - it comes down to these small moments - waiting, being assaulted by Richard, pricked by a needle... And I feel like the millions of questions and worries swirling around in my brain are mine alone and they may swallow me right up! I don't think anyone really understands because every situation is so different.
I am grateful for the few people who share my journey and who try to understand and offer support when they can. So thankful. And I am incredibly grateful for the friend who does know and has been down this road but with more twists and curves... Because she gets it and doesn't fault me for my feelings of uncertainty and self-pity. Even when they may seem ridiculous!
It's crazy but I am drowning right now in questions and confusion and emotion. Excited for the next step and scared.
But I was advised to jump- and jump I will, eyes squeezed tight and heart in my throat. I will jump with my best attempt at reckless abandon! And pray for a solid landing.
My worries are that it is a one follicle first try IUI with no meds. That means it could likely be practice - an expensive practice at that. I am afraid to fail. To try and fail. Dumb eh?
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my genetic testing which may also impact this process. I have put off paying because I am not sure if what he has to say will change the outcome or the odds. And of course I do this all on my own. D has to work, and although I have great friends and a sister who has been there - it comes down to these small moments - waiting, being assaulted by Richard, pricked by a needle... And I feel like the millions of questions and worries swirling around in my brain are mine alone and they may swallow me right up! I don't think anyone really understands because every situation is so different.
I am grateful for the few people who share my journey and who try to understand and offer support when they can. So thankful. And I am incredibly grateful for the friend who does know and has been down this road but with more twists and curves... Because she gets it and doesn't fault me for my feelings of uncertainty and self-pity. Even when they may seem ridiculous!
It's crazy but I am drowning right now in questions and confusion and emotion. Excited for the next step and scared.
But I was advised to jump- and jump I will, eyes squeezed tight and heart in my throat. I will jump with my best attempt at reckless abandon! And pray for a solid landing.
Monday, 16 July 2012
Today is a BIG Day
I am sitting in the clinic waiting to find out if I have ovulated. How weird to regularly measure your life in cycle days. How my life has changed in such a short time.
Our vacation was amazing and there could possibly be a Georgia, Orlando, Savannah or Charleston cooking already .. But who knows!
If I haven't ovulated, it's IUI time! I am terrified! My whole life could change or I could have another heartbreak. Honestly my excitement overrides my terror and fear of crying in the washroom. But I know that fear so well, it has been my companion every single month for over a year.
Our vacation was amazing and there could possibly be a Georgia, Orlando, Savannah or Charleston cooking already .. But who knows!
If I haven't ovulated, it's IUI time! I am terrified! My whole life could change or I could have another heartbreak. Honestly my excitement overrides my terror and fear of crying in the washroom. But I know that fear so well, it has been my companion every single month for over a year.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Day Two on the Road
This is the adventure I longed for! D and I are rawkin this trip! Last night we tried to stop at about 5 hotels only to find them all sold out. We were in Sidney, Ohio! It's a hotspot! So we kept driving...and driving and driving! We settled in finally around 3am in Miamisburg (how fitting on a trip to Florida) which is in Ohio but passed Dayton. After a dead sleep we woke up and hit the road. D was terribly disappointed to miss the final Tim Hortons along the way and by the time we hit Kentucky he was almost unbearable...in need of a coffee. So we hit a jackpot - dunkin donuts beside a dollar tree! We were both winners! The great thing about dollar stores around the bible belt is the amazing resources they have to teach wee people about Jesus! I spent 15 dollars but I left with a grin from ear to ear! I am so simple!
We continued our drive to the Tennessee boarder, where we stopped at the welcome center (note the spelling- this is America y'all)! I posed with Dolly! D and I had hoped to hit Nashville but we realized it is 3 hours out of the way and would add 6 hours to our drive...plus everything we wanted to do would cost more money - so we opted out. Now we are headed to Knoxville. All I imagine is Johnny Knoxville - Which is nothing but trouble. I figure it will be a scene from a jackass movie! Lol!
D and I are still in love after two days in the car! We haven't even fought! Lol even when he was sooo grumpy yesterday!! I am glad I opted out of the clomid - I am as sane as I can be!
The drivers here pay no mind to openly drinking and doing drugs while they drive - it is effin terrifying!
I am excited to hit Chattanooga after Knoxville. I am on the hunt for Macy and Bentley! Lmao!
Well, that is all from my roadside ramblings. We are getting into Knoxville and I need a pee break. Maybe a target break too, God willing!
Have a great day!!
C xo
We continued our drive to the Tennessee boarder, where we stopped at the welcome center (note the spelling- this is America y'all)! I posed with Dolly! D and I had hoped to hit Nashville but we realized it is 3 hours out of the way and would add 6 hours to our drive...plus everything we wanted to do would cost more money - so we opted out. Now we are headed to Knoxville. All I imagine is Johnny Knoxville - Which is nothing but trouble. I figure it will be a scene from a jackass movie! Lol!
D and I are still in love after two days in the car! We haven't even fought! Lol even when he was sooo grumpy yesterday!! I am glad I opted out of the clomid - I am as sane as I can be!
The drivers here pay no mind to openly drinking and doing drugs while they drive - it is effin terrifying!
I am excited to hit Chattanooga after Knoxville. I am on the hunt for Macy and Bentley! Lmao!
Well, that is all from my roadside ramblings. We are getting into Knoxville and I need a pee break. Maybe a target break too, God willing!
Have a great day!!
C xo
Friday, 6 July 2012
It's been too long.
So last time I left you readers hanging I was in the clinic parking lot ... Waiting for results. Here I am a month later having written nothing. I am sorry!
We are good! That's the long and short of what the good fertility doctor told us! We are going to try iui next cycle. It was supposed to be this cycle but we are enroute (literally right now) to Florida for a honeymoon/anniversary vacation. I was going to start Clomid today but the risks were too high if I wasn't monitored and I truly feared ruining our trip by being psycho. I can't help but feel I ruined or chances this cycle ... I am sad about it - but promised D we'd try the old fashioned way in every state and at every opportunity lol!
This month was terrible for me health wise! I had some ER time because of what is now looking to be IBS. I had crazy Doppler ultrasound time (read: episiotomy by Richard!!) and an emergency colonoscopy! It has been hell! Let me tell you a secret... klean prep is the devil and if anyone ever suggests it - run!! I have never been sicker! Poor D was horrified watching me turn my insides out.
Now all that is behind us! Well behind us back in Ontario! We are going to see Mickey - if we get pregnant I will convince him to name it: Mickey, Minnie, buZz, mater or Orlando! Lol poor kid! Sometimes when I propose things like that I know why God hasn't blessed us!! ;)
I will try to check in and blog about our vacation! Always more exciting than the search for my left ovary ( which the nice lady took 35 minutes to search for today...without success!)
Happy weekend friends!
C do
We are good! That's the long and short of what the good fertility doctor told us! We are going to try iui next cycle. It was supposed to be this cycle but we are enroute (literally right now) to Florida for a honeymoon/anniversary vacation. I was going to start Clomid today but the risks were too high if I wasn't monitored and I truly feared ruining our trip by being psycho. I can't help but feel I ruined or chances this cycle ... I am sad about it - but promised D we'd try the old fashioned way in every state and at every opportunity lol!
This month was terrible for me health wise! I had some ER time because of what is now looking to be IBS. I had crazy Doppler ultrasound time (read: episiotomy by Richard!!) and an emergency colonoscopy! It has been hell! Let me tell you a secret... klean prep is the devil and if anyone ever suggests it - run!! I have never been sicker! Poor D was horrified watching me turn my insides out.
Now all that is behind us! Well behind us back in Ontario! We are going to see Mickey - if we get pregnant I will convince him to name it: Mickey, Minnie, buZz, mater or Orlando! Lol poor kid! Sometimes when I propose things like that I know why God hasn't blessed us!! ;)
I will try to check in and blog about our vacation! Always more exciting than the search for my left ovary ( which the nice lady took 35 minutes to search for today...without success!)
Happy weekend friends!
C do
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