Sitting with a full bladder, doing the dance in my seat while it appears none of these other women have the same issue. In my head I am begging them to call my name and get this ultrasound over with. But I wait and I dance.
Today I have a meeting to discuss ivf. It's another dreaded step down this path but I am approaching it with hope and an attempt at positivity. We haven't made any decisions, we are gathering information.
I had an appointment with a naturopath on Monday and it was amazing! She gave me hope! This is not an easy feat given my recent state of hopelessness. But, like the rest of my life, it's a wait and see game - once we make our decisions here, she will be able to help me! Yay!
Oh sweet Jesus I am going to pee my pants!!!
I am nervous too so my tummy is doing loop d'loops!
Hoping for positive outcomes, strength and to not pee my pants!!!
C
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Well...that sucked.
One week! It's taken me one week to process the information that we will not be able to conceive unless we do ivf. I haven't digested it all. I am still an emotional wreck. I am still shaking my head at the mess I am in.
I can't explain my hesitation to proceed because it still doesn't make sense. I have so many issues (twists and turns the doctor called them) that lessens the success rate for this procedure. And yet it is our ONLY option next to adoption. It's a sucky place to be.
D sees this as a problem with a possible solution. My sister sees it as a problem with my clinic, me and sees the need for another opinion. Several friends see it as shitty news. And I see it as too much. I don't know how to explain how overwhelmed I am. I can't ensure success so I don't know how to move on. Nothing I do can change the outcome - I am a control freak. I need to be able to work hard to change the outcome.
Lately I've looked at a lot of other fertility blogs, websites and funny things. I love that I am not the only bitter girl who can't get over the opinions that have been thrown my way. I love the common ground we share but hate that this is so common.
I guess today I just needed to say I was right. The bad news came and while there are way worse things in the world, I know that today...this feels like my worst. :(
Tomorrow might feel easier.
I can't explain my hesitation to proceed because it still doesn't make sense. I have so many issues (twists and turns the doctor called them) that lessens the success rate for this procedure. And yet it is our ONLY option next to adoption. It's a sucky place to be.
D sees this as a problem with a possible solution. My sister sees it as a problem with my clinic, me and sees the need for another opinion. Several friends see it as shitty news. And I see it as too much. I don't know how to explain how overwhelmed I am. I can't ensure success so I don't know how to move on. Nothing I do can change the outcome - I am a control freak. I need to be able to work hard to change the outcome.
Lately I've looked at a lot of other fertility blogs, websites and funny things. I love that I am not the only bitter girl who can't get over the opinions that have been thrown my way. I love the common ground we share but hate that this is so common.
I guess today I just needed to say I was right. The bad news came and while there are way worse things in the world, I know that today...this feels like my worst. :(
Tomorrow might feel easier.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Back to the Doctor
Today we go see the doctor to find out what path to choose. I am a mess. Every time I go, he has more bad news. I am worried today that he will have nothing good to say. I hate this adventure.
It's also picture day. I have gained so much weight that I will look like I ate these kindy kids. I have no good clothing options as its going to suddenly be summer today! I am frustrated and it's barely seven am.
Crazy day ahead!
It's also picture day. I have gained so much weight that I will look like I ate these kindy kids. I have no good clothing options as its going to suddenly be summer today! I am frustrated and it's barely seven am.
Crazy day ahead!
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Nope...not this month
So I didn't need a blood test this month. My body let me know that the IUI didn't work.
My heart is broken. I don't understand why it has to be a struggle and sadness. Does god not want me to be a mom? Why?
It's thanksgiving and I am thankful for all I have, especially a husband I love and family and friends who make my life whole - but I am sad that I could not be celebrating my gratitude for creating life. I am so sad.
We are taking time off. I don't know how long - I don't know what I can continue to put myself through. I am a mess and I need to decide what happens next.
My heart is broken. I don't understand why it has to be a struggle and sadness. Does god not want me to be a mom? Why?
It's thanksgiving and I am thankful for all I have, especially a husband I love and family and friends who make my life whole - but I am sad that I could not be celebrating my gratitude for creating life. I am so sad.
We are taking time off. I don't know how long - I don't know what I can continue to put myself through. I am a mess and I need to decide what happens next.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
And I am back
The funny thing about this journey is that even though the ultimate goal is to create life and build a family - each step is filled with a myriad of emotions and in our case, much of it has been grief.
To fill you in on the past two months - we didn't do iui in August. The genetic counsellor said my chromosome inversion increases my chances of miscarriage, and combined with my age, a genetic disorder that leads to severe physical and mental disabilities. However this increases are marginal. It's unknown how many people walk around with genetic abnormalities similar to mine...so all statistics are pretty grey. Of course I had to ask about the combination of D and I serif as we both have ADD and learning issues (I worry we will create a criminal mastermind). It seems we should be okay - although only time will tell! Lol. Honestly it's a risk we are willing to take.
But it's a terrible feeling knowing there could come a time when we have to decide whether our desire to have a child is worth more than the child's quality of life. (We are talking about extreme medical disability - not ones that only effect mental function or physical function).
There was also a meeting with the doctor where he told me I have a low ovarian reserve which means it is literally now or never! That news still makes me year up.
Onward to the end of August.
I did a cycle of clomid. It wasn't bad - despite the rage attack on D. Lol. We did a round of IUI, and I tested on the first day of school. Imagine my first day at a new school and in kindergarten ... Answering the call that said - nope not this month. This is when my world fell apart.
You see, you struggle for a year, with monthly disappointment and ups and downs and then the doctors say they have a solution and then it fails. Ouch! The worst part is that I thought I was pregnant! I felt it. I was so sure - and that my friends meant the let down was even harder.
I fell to pieces and yet had no opportunity to. Within 4 days I was back on clomid and headed towards round 2!
This time clomid was not my friend! I had a 2 week migraine, and hot flashes beyond belief. On top of all that the whole transition into play based kindergarten in a new room with no toys and 28 children was not going well. How can you be awesome with that kind of noise and a migraine?
Last week the migraine ended and we did IUI once again. This time doctors did the procedures and D was with me. The first round my best friend K (from Kuwait) held my hand...I am so lucky! This time I had no pain, no cramping and ovulated at least 4 eggs. That left ovary may have snuck some out but we don't know. So all looked good.
Now we wait and pretend its not the longest wait ever. Our hearts cannot have hope this month. It is too hard and yet, I am filled with hopeful optimism.
So that's where we are!
It was just all too much for a while for me to write about. I hate being negative - and with all the bad news, it was hard to not sound that way. Sometimes I wonder wether hope is good or bad.
To fill you in on the past two months - we didn't do iui in August. The genetic counsellor said my chromosome inversion increases my chances of miscarriage, and combined with my age, a genetic disorder that leads to severe physical and mental disabilities. However this increases are marginal. It's unknown how many people walk around with genetic abnormalities similar to mine...so all statistics are pretty grey. Of course I had to ask about the combination of D and I serif as we both have ADD and learning issues (I worry we will create a criminal mastermind). It seems we should be okay - although only time will tell! Lol. Honestly it's a risk we are willing to take.
But it's a terrible feeling knowing there could come a time when we have to decide whether our desire to have a child is worth more than the child's quality of life. (We are talking about extreme medical disability - not ones that only effect mental function or physical function).
There was also a meeting with the doctor where he told me I have a low ovarian reserve which means it is literally now or never! That news still makes me year up.
Onward to the end of August.
I did a cycle of clomid. It wasn't bad - despite the rage attack on D. Lol. We did a round of IUI, and I tested on the first day of school. Imagine my first day at a new school and in kindergarten ... Answering the call that said - nope not this month. This is when my world fell apart.
You see, you struggle for a year, with monthly disappointment and ups and downs and then the doctors say they have a solution and then it fails. Ouch! The worst part is that I thought I was pregnant! I felt it. I was so sure - and that my friends meant the let down was even harder.
I fell to pieces and yet had no opportunity to. Within 4 days I was back on clomid and headed towards round 2!
This time clomid was not my friend! I had a 2 week migraine, and hot flashes beyond belief. On top of all that the whole transition into play based kindergarten in a new room with no toys and 28 children was not going well. How can you be awesome with that kind of noise and a migraine?
Last week the migraine ended and we did IUI once again. This time doctors did the procedures and D was with me. The first round my best friend K (from Kuwait) held my hand...I am so lucky! This time I had no pain, no cramping and ovulated at least 4 eggs. That left ovary may have snuck some out but we don't know. So all looked good.
Now we wait and pretend its not the longest wait ever. Our hearts cannot have hope this month. It is too hard and yet, I am filled with hopeful optimism.
So that's where we are!
It was just all too much for a while for me to write about. I hate being negative - and with all the bad news, it was hard to not sound that way. Sometimes I wonder wether hope is good or bad.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Genetic Counselling
Today I prepare myself for more news... I am going to the geneticist to find out what's up with my inverted number 5.
I am a mess!
I am a mess!
Friday, 20 July 2012
Bad news, bad day, bad place
Yesterday's appointment was worse than I expected. I am not writing about it. I am going to wait until the tears have stopped and my pity party is over.
I know that nothing is impossible but sometimes it feels that way.
I know that nothing is impossible but sometimes it feels that way.
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Is it wrong????
Is it wrong that there is a lady here who is about 5-6 months pregnant and is looking woefully sad and unhappy and I want to bitch-slap her???? I'm like, "bitch! You're in a fertility clinic and your pregnant! Effin smile! You're what we are all dying to be!!!"
I am going to snap!
Just sayin!
I am going to snap!
Just sayin!
Busy clinic!
The clinic is rammed today! I am waiting with a bunch of pregnant women, kind of hoping it's contagious! It's pure insanity here!
I am waiting on results of a genetic test today (no Richard this visit) and I am thinking it can't be good news, or they wouldn't have made me book an appointment. But what can I do but face the music?!
Had a meltdown today to poor D. I told him how scared and alone I feel. He was super supportive, but stunned. He doesn't know what to do with me. It's hard because I have so many questions and I just don't know up from down.
Plus I have a migraine. And being in a packed clinic is killing me. It smells soooo bad here. I don't want to be rude but I think I may puke!!!
Anyway...I continue to wait.....
I am waiting on results of a genetic test today (no Richard this visit) and I am thinking it can't be good news, or they wouldn't have made me book an appointment. But what can I do but face the music?!
Had a meltdown today to poor D. I told him how scared and alone I feel. He was super supportive, but stunned. He doesn't know what to do with me. It's hard because I have so many questions and I just don't know up from down.
Plus I have a migraine. And being in a packed clinic is killing me. It smells soooo bad here. I don't want to be rude but I think I may puke!!!
Anyway...I continue to wait.....
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Waiting room - day 18
Last appointment they said we have the go ahead for IUI this month (this week actually). All at once I am scared beyond belief and mostly because I am not sure I have the strength for this. It's funny when I look at all the things I have been through in my short life - the illness and death of my mom who was my best friend mostly, and I think of how strong I have had to be for myself and others... And yet I am questioning myself entirely!
My worries are that it is a one follicle first try IUI with no meds. That means it could likely be practice - an expensive practice at that. I am afraid to fail. To try and fail. Dumb eh?
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my genetic testing which may also impact this process. I have put off paying because I am not sure if what he has to say will change the outcome or the odds. And of course I do this all on my own. D has to work, and although I have great friends and a sister who has been there - it comes down to these small moments - waiting, being assaulted by Richard, pricked by a needle... And I feel like the millions of questions and worries swirling around in my brain are mine alone and they may swallow me right up! I don't think anyone really understands because every situation is so different.
I am grateful for the few people who share my journey and who try to understand and offer support when they can. So thankful. And I am incredibly grateful for the friend who does know and has been down this road but with more twists and curves... Because she gets it and doesn't fault me for my feelings of uncertainty and self-pity. Even when they may seem ridiculous!
It's crazy but I am drowning right now in questions and confusion and emotion. Excited for the next step and scared.
But I was advised to jump- and jump I will, eyes squeezed tight and heart in my throat. I will jump with my best attempt at reckless abandon! And pray for a solid landing.
My worries are that it is a one follicle first try IUI with no meds. That means it could likely be practice - an expensive practice at that. I am afraid to fail. To try and fail. Dumb eh?
I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss my genetic testing which may also impact this process. I have put off paying because I am not sure if what he has to say will change the outcome or the odds. And of course I do this all on my own. D has to work, and although I have great friends and a sister who has been there - it comes down to these small moments - waiting, being assaulted by Richard, pricked by a needle... And I feel like the millions of questions and worries swirling around in my brain are mine alone and they may swallow me right up! I don't think anyone really understands because every situation is so different.
I am grateful for the few people who share my journey and who try to understand and offer support when they can. So thankful. And I am incredibly grateful for the friend who does know and has been down this road but with more twists and curves... Because she gets it and doesn't fault me for my feelings of uncertainty and self-pity. Even when they may seem ridiculous!
It's crazy but I am drowning right now in questions and confusion and emotion. Excited for the next step and scared.
But I was advised to jump- and jump I will, eyes squeezed tight and heart in my throat. I will jump with my best attempt at reckless abandon! And pray for a solid landing.
Monday, 16 July 2012
Today is a BIG Day
I am sitting in the clinic waiting to find out if I have ovulated. How weird to regularly measure your life in cycle days. How my life has changed in such a short time.
Our vacation was amazing and there could possibly be a Georgia, Orlando, Savannah or Charleston cooking already .. But who knows!
If I haven't ovulated, it's IUI time! I am terrified! My whole life could change or I could have another heartbreak. Honestly my excitement overrides my terror and fear of crying in the washroom. But I know that fear so well, it has been my companion every single month for over a year.
Our vacation was amazing and there could possibly be a Georgia, Orlando, Savannah or Charleston cooking already .. But who knows!
If I haven't ovulated, it's IUI time! I am terrified! My whole life could change or I could have another heartbreak. Honestly my excitement overrides my terror and fear of crying in the washroom. But I know that fear so well, it has been my companion every single month for over a year.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Day Two on the Road
This is the adventure I longed for! D and I are rawkin this trip! Last night we tried to stop at about 5 hotels only to find them all sold out. We were in Sidney, Ohio! It's a hotspot! So we kept driving...and driving and driving! We settled in finally around 3am in Miamisburg (how fitting on a trip to Florida) which is in Ohio but passed Dayton. After a dead sleep we woke up and hit the road. D was terribly disappointed to miss the final Tim Hortons along the way and by the time we hit Kentucky he was almost unbearable...in need of a coffee. So we hit a jackpot - dunkin donuts beside a dollar tree! We were both winners! The great thing about dollar stores around the bible belt is the amazing resources they have to teach wee people about Jesus! I spent 15 dollars but I left with a grin from ear to ear! I am so simple!
We continued our drive to the Tennessee boarder, where we stopped at the welcome center (note the spelling- this is America y'all)! I posed with Dolly! D and I had hoped to hit Nashville but we realized it is 3 hours out of the way and would add 6 hours to our drive...plus everything we wanted to do would cost more money - so we opted out. Now we are headed to Knoxville. All I imagine is Johnny Knoxville - Which is nothing but trouble. I figure it will be a scene from a jackass movie! Lol!
D and I are still in love after two days in the car! We haven't even fought! Lol even when he was sooo grumpy yesterday!! I am glad I opted out of the clomid - I am as sane as I can be!
The drivers here pay no mind to openly drinking and doing drugs while they drive - it is effin terrifying!
I am excited to hit Chattanooga after Knoxville. I am on the hunt for Macy and Bentley! Lmao!
Well, that is all from my roadside ramblings. We are getting into Knoxville and I need a pee break. Maybe a target break too, God willing!
Have a great day!!
C xo
We continued our drive to the Tennessee boarder, where we stopped at the welcome center (note the spelling- this is America y'all)! I posed with Dolly! D and I had hoped to hit Nashville but we realized it is 3 hours out of the way and would add 6 hours to our drive...plus everything we wanted to do would cost more money - so we opted out. Now we are headed to Knoxville. All I imagine is Johnny Knoxville - Which is nothing but trouble. I figure it will be a scene from a jackass movie! Lol!
D and I are still in love after two days in the car! We haven't even fought! Lol even when he was sooo grumpy yesterday!! I am glad I opted out of the clomid - I am as sane as I can be!
The drivers here pay no mind to openly drinking and doing drugs while they drive - it is effin terrifying!
I am excited to hit Chattanooga after Knoxville. I am on the hunt for Macy and Bentley! Lmao!
Well, that is all from my roadside ramblings. We are getting into Knoxville and I need a pee break. Maybe a target break too, God willing!
Have a great day!!
C xo
Friday, 6 July 2012
It's been too long.
So last time I left you readers hanging I was in the clinic parking lot ... Waiting for results. Here I am a month later having written nothing. I am sorry!
We are good! That's the long and short of what the good fertility doctor told us! We are going to try iui next cycle. It was supposed to be this cycle but we are enroute (literally right now) to Florida for a honeymoon/anniversary vacation. I was going to start Clomid today but the risks were too high if I wasn't monitored and I truly feared ruining our trip by being psycho. I can't help but feel I ruined or chances this cycle ... I am sad about it - but promised D we'd try the old fashioned way in every state and at every opportunity lol!
This month was terrible for me health wise! I had some ER time because of what is now looking to be IBS. I had crazy Doppler ultrasound time (read: episiotomy by Richard!!) and an emergency colonoscopy! It has been hell! Let me tell you a secret... klean prep is the devil and if anyone ever suggests it - run!! I have never been sicker! Poor D was horrified watching me turn my insides out.
Now all that is behind us! Well behind us back in Ontario! We are going to see Mickey - if we get pregnant I will convince him to name it: Mickey, Minnie, buZz, mater or Orlando! Lol poor kid! Sometimes when I propose things like that I know why God hasn't blessed us!! ;)
I will try to check in and blog about our vacation! Always more exciting than the search for my left ovary ( which the nice lady took 35 minutes to search for today...without success!)
Happy weekend friends!
C do
We are good! That's the long and short of what the good fertility doctor told us! We are going to try iui next cycle. It was supposed to be this cycle but we are enroute (literally right now) to Florida for a honeymoon/anniversary vacation. I was going to start Clomid today but the risks were too high if I wasn't monitored and I truly feared ruining our trip by being psycho. I can't help but feel I ruined or chances this cycle ... I am sad about it - but promised D we'd try the old fashioned way in every state and at every opportunity lol!
This month was terrible for me health wise! I had some ER time because of what is now looking to be IBS. I had crazy Doppler ultrasound time (read: episiotomy by Richard!!) and an emergency colonoscopy! It has been hell! Let me tell you a secret... klean prep is the devil and if anyone ever suggests it - run!! I have never been sicker! Poor D was horrified watching me turn my insides out.
Now all that is behind us! Well behind us back in Ontario! We are going to see Mickey - if we get pregnant I will convince him to name it: Mickey, Minnie, buZz, mater or Orlando! Lol poor kid! Sometimes when I propose things like that I know why God hasn't blessed us!! ;)
I will try to check in and blog about our vacation! Always more exciting than the search for my left ovary ( which the nice lady took 35 minutes to search for today...without success!)
Happy weekend friends!
C do
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Big Day!!
Sitting in the parking lot. Waiting for D ... Today we find out what is wrong. I have been too busy to think about it all day, and right now I am here, waiting, ready to puke with anxiety. I am not ready for bad news. I am not ready for a plan. I am just scared!! Too many what ifs are coursing through my head and I need to calm down but I don't know how to!
A couple more minutes and we will know...and the real journey will begin!
Wish me more than luck!
Xo c
A couple more minutes and we will know...and the real journey will begin!
Wish me more than luck!
Xo c
Saturday, 9 June 2012
I get it!
They say in life everything happens for a reason, and if you had asked me a week ago, I would have said I see no sense in all the hurt and sadness I was feeling. But today, I see it and it all makes sense!
I lost my best friend. That I have spoken about here. I also ended up in major conflict with another close friend and was hurt beyond belief. At the beginning of this week I thought my world was caving in! But then, through a random series of events, I ended up talking to, receiving messages from, and spending time with a whole bunch of new, old and different friends. The message I got from all of these conversations was that I was cared about, and still had AMAZING friends! I felt a huge sense of relief because it wasn't every friend who thought I was a terrible person...just 2.
I had a chance to feel loved, and I got to talk to friends and gain new perspectives on this journey I am on.
I also spent time working on the friendship aspect of my marriage too. I have heard people say that you marry your best friend... I wouldn't say that was true in my case, but that was because I put so much sacred emphasis on my best friendship! I love my husband and we do have a great friendship but it was not comparable to my BEST friend. I realized this week though, we have grow our friendship a lot over the past year and particularly six months as things have fallen apart with my BFF. He has become my rock and sounding board and friend! It just took me time to see the change.
Last night I had coffee with my high school best friend and blogging inspiration. It made my heart so happy and gave me so much hope for the road ahead. She showed me what strength is! I am looking forward to spending more time together! Driving home I felt like I did when I was in high school. :)
This weekend is my birthday weekend, I turn 34 next week! I have lots of things to do (including report cards - boo) and I am looking forward to enjoying my time. It sucks that I will be missing two of my friends, but I am focusing on the ones around me! Who knows ... This may be the last birthday I will celebrate without a mom card to open! ;)
Happy Saturday Friends!
Xo c
I lost my best friend. That I have spoken about here. I also ended up in major conflict with another close friend and was hurt beyond belief. At the beginning of this week I thought my world was caving in! But then, through a random series of events, I ended up talking to, receiving messages from, and spending time with a whole bunch of new, old and different friends. The message I got from all of these conversations was that I was cared about, and still had AMAZING friends! I felt a huge sense of relief because it wasn't every friend who thought I was a terrible person...just 2.
I had a chance to feel loved, and I got to talk to friends and gain new perspectives on this journey I am on.
I also spent time working on the friendship aspect of my marriage too. I have heard people say that you marry your best friend... I wouldn't say that was true in my case, but that was because I put so much sacred emphasis on my best friendship! I love my husband and we do have a great friendship but it was not comparable to my BEST friend. I realized this week though, we have grow our friendship a lot over the past year and particularly six months as things have fallen apart with my BFF. He has become my rock and sounding board and friend! It just took me time to see the change.
Last night I had coffee with my high school best friend and blogging inspiration. It made my heart so happy and gave me so much hope for the road ahead. She showed me what strength is! I am looking forward to spending more time together! Driving home I felt like I did when I was in high school. :)
This weekend is my birthday weekend, I turn 34 next week! I have lots of things to do (including report cards - boo) and I am looking forward to enjoying my time. It sucks that I will be missing two of my friends, but I am focusing on the ones around me! Who knows ... This may be the last birthday I will celebrate without a mom card to open! ;)
Happy Saturday Friends!
Xo c
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Nothing to say!
I have been quiet because my mom taught me if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all.
No one wants to read a whiny poor-me blog!!
I have a follow up appointment next week so no more dates with Richard! I kinda miss him ... Ha ha!
I am really lucky because the last 24 hours has shown me that sometimes you don't realize how much you are cared about until you are hurt by others - and the ones who truly care rally around you! If that makes any sense. I am searching for rainbows after the storm today!!
Reminding myself to have faith and let go!
Xo c
No one wants to read a whiny poor-me blog!!
I have a follow up appointment next week so no more dates with Richard! I kinda miss him ... Ha ha!
I am really lucky because the last 24 hours has shown me that sometimes you don't realize how much you are cared about until you are hurt by others - and the ones who truly care rally around you! If that makes any sense. I am searching for rainbows after the storm today!!
Reminding myself to have faith and let go!
Xo c
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Ever feel like the world isn't giving you what you want? Ever feel like the people you love the most hate you?
That is where I am at today! I should preface this by pointing out I am easily hurt by others because I tend to take everything to heart. It's a weakness that I can't overcome.
I am also not stupid. I know if you have problems in all your best friendships then you must be the problem! I am not in conflict with all my closest friends - I wouldn't even say I am in conflict - just cut out and kicked out of another persons life whom I considered to be one of my best friends. That is two this week! I guess I am on a roll.
Don't misunderstand this pity party! I am sure I am at fault! But neither of these people are talking to me! So I can't solve the problems which I assure you I did not deliberately create!
So here I am on a lonely Sunday morning wondering what is so flawed about me that my best friends see fit to abandon me without the opportunity to talk or fight it out. I am so upset and so hurt and am starting to get angry. That's never good!
How do you let go?
How do you take all the emotional stuff that I am going through (now without my longstanding support network) and find the strength to deal with the loss of friendships?
How do I get through a single day without tears?
Today I need my mom, but she is in heaven. Although she may be with me always - I need her here to help me. NOW! I hate this feeling.
How do I not just quit life?
That is where I am at today! I should preface this by pointing out I am easily hurt by others because I tend to take everything to heart. It's a weakness that I can't overcome.
I am also not stupid. I know if you have problems in all your best friendships then you must be the problem! I am not in conflict with all my closest friends - I wouldn't even say I am in conflict - just cut out and kicked out of another persons life whom I considered to be one of my best friends. That is two this week! I guess I am on a roll.
Don't misunderstand this pity party! I am sure I am at fault! But neither of these people are talking to me! So I can't solve the problems which I assure you I did not deliberately create!
So here I am on a lonely Sunday morning wondering what is so flawed about me that my best friends see fit to abandon me without the opportunity to talk or fight it out. I am so upset and so hurt and am starting to get angry. That's never good!
How do you let go?
How do you take all the emotional stuff that I am going through (now without my longstanding support network) and find the strength to deal with the loss of friendships?
How do I get through a single day without tears?
Today I need my mom, but she is in heaven. Although she may be with me always - I need her here to help me. NOW! I hate this feeling.
How do I not just quit life?
Saturday, 2 June 2012
A Saturday with Richard
This weekend my husband D is playing in a lacrosse tournament and as much as I love watching him (he's actually kicking a$$ this weekend) I wasn't keen on spending my weekend in the arena! I am taking a course and writing report cards, so I am busy. Actually crazy-busy! But I went last night because I love him. :)
Today I had an appointment with Richard. He got lubed up and went to town. He was very rough today - very red room of pain! I didn't like it.
My favourite blood taking nurse was there though. She said I was tough I laughed! Having blood taken 5 times in a couple of weeks from the same site does not make me tough! After all I have just spent a week in tears and at odds with the world because I am anything but tough. But I wanted to hug her nonetheless!
I also met with a great nurse who was so positive with me!!! She was again so kind and helpful and patient and I am so incredibly grateful that I have such amazing professionals to work with!
It was a great day for that. Unfortunately I got the call that my progesterone is up so I have ovulated even though my follicles do not show that. There will obviously be no hope of pregnancy this month but it has been quite an interesting month! I get to book my follow up appointment with the doctor now and I am praying we have hope for IUI! Pray with me.
I have had such a painful week and there isn't much hope of the hurt going away anytime soon. I don't let go too easily!
The plus side of today was that I also found out that my poor sleep nights and jittery feelings (panic attacks anyone?) are likely side effects to the thyroid medicine I am on - and with any luck they will pass!!
As I listen to D snore as he "watches" the hockey game ... Damn overtime (GO KINGS!) I realize I am so lucky to have a husband I love so much and who is so committed to creating a family. I am one of the lucky few. Last night we had a big chat ... More than anything, I know he is my biggest cheerleader! He won't walk away when it gets tough. If he didn't stink like a rancid lacrosse player, I would snuggle right into him....but for now I will love him from a safe distance! <3
Tomorrow is a new day! It will be a great one. Or at least I will make it through!
Xc
Today I had an appointment with Richard. He got lubed up and went to town. He was very rough today - very red room of pain! I didn't like it.
My favourite blood taking nurse was there though. She said I was tough I laughed! Having blood taken 5 times in a couple of weeks from the same site does not make me tough! After all I have just spent a week in tears and at odds with the world because I am anything but tough. But I wanted to hug her nonetheless!
I also met with a great nurse who was so positive with me!!! She was again so kind and helpful and patient and I am so incredibly grateful that I have such amazing professionals to work with!
It was a great day for that. Unfortunately I got the call that my progesterone is up so I have ovulated even though my follicles do not show that. There will obviously be no hope of pregnancy this month but it has been quite an interesting month! I get to book my follow up appointment with the doctor now and I am praying we have hope for IUI! Pray with me.
I have had such a painful week and there isn't much hope of the hurt going away anytime soon. I don't let go too easily!
The plus side of today was that I also found out that my poor sleep nights and jittery feelings (panic attacks anyone?) are likely side effects to the thyroid medicine I am on - and with any luck they will pass!!
As I listen to D snore as he "watches" the hockey game ... Damn overtime (GO KINGS!) I realize I am so lucky to have a husband I love so much and who is so committed to creating a family. I am one of the lucky few. Last night we had a big chat ... More than anything, I know he is my biggest cheerleader! He won't walk away when it gets tough. If he didn't stink like a rancid lacrosse player, I would snuggle right into him....but for now I will love him from a safe distance! <3
Tomorrow is a new day! It will be a great one. Or at least I will make it through!
Xc
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Morning Date with Richard
Today began horribly! It's a long, sad story that involves the end of a 15 year friendship, a lot of tears and fury and well, more tears. And then I rushed to the fertility clinic only to realize the main road out of town was closed! I had to take a back road and I was LATE!
I hate being late although I am always late! I try so hard to be timely but at that I fail...
So I show up late and I get whisked into Richard's room right away! I am all excited, phone in my pocket (ready to capture a picture of my new lover) but the technician never leaves the room!! I change and watch as she delicately lubes and rolls a condom onto Richard. The care these technicians take to practice safe sounds is very amusing to me. It is not the condom - I like that I am safe, but the gentle way they live and roll the rubber...is kind of funny.
She begins the sound and points out my "silver lining" and I love her for making a joke!! There is a big tv mounted on the wall where I can watch the test. I swear aliens live in my uterus...because I am sure I see some freaky creatures and shadows...but alas I know it is empty....for now! And then it dawns on me...I need a picture of MY ultrasound! Every preggo I know posts their ultrasound pic on Facebook - mostly as profile pics. How awesome would it be to make my empty uterus or lonely ovary my profile pic??? I want to do this and hopefully I will - but how do I ask the nice technician? Is it offside? Can I blame my blog (aka free therapy)?
Anyways..today Richard was quick and gentle and it was a fast visit. I have to go again Saturday. I remember when peeing on a stick to see if I was ovulating seemed like a hassle! But I walk on with a smile - because only I can control my happiness!
Tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be super!
Xc
I hate being late although I am always late! I try so hard to be timely but at that I fail...
So I show up late and I get whisked into Richard's room right away! I am all excited, phone in my pocket (ready to capture a picture of my new lover) but the technician never leaves the room!! I change and watch as she delicately lubes and rolls a condom onto Richard. The care these technicians take to practice safe sounds is very amusing to me. It is not the condom - I like that I am safe, but the gentle way they live and roll the rubber...is kind of funny.
She begins the sound and points out my "silver lining" and I love her for making a joke!! There is a big tv mounted on the wall where I can watch the test. I swear aliens live in my uterus...because I am sure I see some freaky creatures and shadows...but alas I know it is empty....for now! And then it dawns on me...I need a picture of MY ultrasound! Every preggo I know posts their ultrasound pic on Facebook - mostly as profile pics. How awesome would it be to make my empty uterus or lonely ovary my profile pic??? I want to do this and hopefully I will - but how do I ask the nice technician? Is it offside? Can I blame my blog (aka free therapy)?
Anyways..today Richard was quick and gentle and it was a fast visit. I have to go again Saturday. I remember when peeing on a stick to see if I was ovulating seemed like a hassle! But I walk on with a smile - because only I can control my happiness!
Tomorrow is Friday. It's going to be super!
Xc
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
My new romance
Tonight, while D snores quietly beside me, I am spending time with Christian Grey. If you haven't read the fifty shades series, I recommend you do... It's pretty filthy but kinda fun! 😉 I accomplished a ton of stuff tonight so I am treating myself to an early bedtime and some smutty reading. I have to prepare for my morning date with Richard you know!
Sweet Dreams
xv
Sweet Dreams
xv
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Quick Background on the Worst Week Ever (or at least a long time)!
So this week began with a hystersonogram-a test where they filled my uterus with saline and took pictures of the inside. It's humiliating but the good news is I have a perfectly shaped uterus! I am so proud I am making a t-shirt that says, "I may not be perfect but my uterus is!" :)
Otherwise it was another pretty negative appointment - one ovary, ovulated early...blah blah blah.
The funny part was that my husband almost got jumped on the way into the clinic because he had an extra large double-double and the TTC (trying to conceive) women are in serious withdrawal! He also freaked out a little when he saw pages of pictures of triplets...doubles were scary but triples almost sent him running.
In short after being violated by the "magic wand" (internal ultrasound stick)...If you are lucky enough to have never had one, I will try to post a pic for you Thursday...it's about ten to twelve inches long....good times! I am thinking of naming the one at the clinic...maybe Randy. No! I had a teacher in high school named Randy - that's a little offside. Maybe Richard. It sounds dignified but still kind of funny! Yea, we'll call him Richard! He is rough. And not in the fun 50 shades way!
Anyhow I digress.
I had a "reaction" to the test- excruciating uterus pain - try explaining that one to your husband!!! And so Monday's visit with Richard was painful as hell! Then I was part of new technician training and the lady pointed out a million problems! I wanted to yell, "BUT IT'S THE PERFECT SHAPE!!!"but I didn't have the nerve.
After that visit I cried all the way to school! Great start to my week! By the end of the day I had lost my new job and will be forced to stay in the dungeon of a school I work in now. It's not that I can pinpoint a cause for the negativity but it is like a plague there and despite having the most amazing friends there I can't imagine growing a human well under all that stress! So I cried all the way home, then a bit more and then I napped, cried to my husband and then watched the Bachelorette. Now I am fine.
I have another appointment Thursday. Another date with Richard. All so we can find out why we can't grow a baby and how to solve the problem. We know my hubby's half ... Now there is a whole different story...but we are investigating mine. Its scary as hell!! But hopefully worth it!
Oh wait there is another story I forgot to tell!
For a wedding gift my dad bought us an ac unit that my then-best-friend was going to have her then-boyfriend install (they are engaged now). It took him until October to install it and then he didn't even finish the job. Last week when asked to come finish it, he refused!! I think my former best friend hates me ...but I have no idea why! So we've been in eleventy-billion degree heat without ac!! Try having a migraine in that kind of heat! It's been bad. So today my hubby was off - lets give him a name too - we will call him D! So D spent the last 7 or so hours doing the "5 minute job" this ex friend's fiancé told him it would be. But we FINALLY HAVE AC!! I am doing cartwheels in my mind! This is the first good thing I happen this week and I am so grateful!
That will be all for now! I am going to go eat my feelings...I think this shitty week needs some ice cream!
Xc
Otherwise it was another pretty negative appointment - one ovary, ovulated early...blah blah blah.
The funny part was that my husband almost got jumped on the way into the clinic because he had an extra large double-double and the TTC (trying to conceive) women are in serious withdrawal! He also freaked out a little when he saw pages of pictures of triplets...doubles were scary but triples almost sent him running.
In short after being violated by the "magic wand" (internal ultrasound stick)...If you are lucky enough to have never had one, I will try to post a pic for you Thursday...it's about ten to twelve inches long....good times! I am thinking of naming the one at the clinic...maybe Randy. No! I had a teacher in high school named Randy - that's a little offside. Maybe Richard. It sounds dignified but still kind of funny! Yea, we'll call him Richard! He is rough. And not in the fun 50 shades way!
Anyhow I digress.
I had a "reaction" to the test- excruciating uterus pain - try explaining that one to your husband!!! And so Monday's visit with Richard was painful as hell! Then I was part of new technician training and the lady pointed out a million problems! I wanted to yell, "BUT IT'S THE PERFECT SHAPE!!!"but I didn't have the nerve.
After that visit I cried all the way to school! Great start to my week! By the end of the day I had lost my new job and will be forced to stay in the dungeon of a school I work in now. It's not that I can pinpoint a cause for the negativity but it is like a plague there and despite having the most amazing friends there I can't imagine growing a human well under all that stress! So I cried all the way home, then a bit more and then I napped, cried to my husband and then watched the Bachelorette. Now I am fine.
I have another appointment Thursday. Another date with Richard. All so we can find out why we can't grow a baby and how to solve the problem. We know my hubby's half ... Now there is a whole different story...but we are investigating mine. Its scary as hell!! But hopefully worth it!
Oh wait there is another story I forgot to tell!
For a wedding gift my dad bought us an ac unit that my then-best-friend was going to have her then-boyfriend install (they are engaged now). It took him until October to install it and then he didn't even finish the job. Last week when asked to come finish it, he refused!! I think my former best friend hates me ...but I have no idea why! So we've been in eleventy-billion degree heat without ac!! Try having a migraine in that kind of heat! It's been bad. So today my hubby was off - lets give him a name too - we will call him D! So D spent the last 7 or so hours doing the "5 minute job" this ex friend's fiancé told him it would be. But we FINALLY HAVE AC!! I am doing cartwheels in my mind! This is the first good thing I happen this week and I am so grateful!
That will be all for now! I am going to go eat my feelings...I think this shitty week needs some ice cream!
Xc
Ranting and Raving....
Here it is!! My very first blog. I have officially entered the 21st century, albeit under crappy circumstances. Right now, I feel like my primary students writing a journal...only in mine I can use expletives and tell it like it really is! I am hoping not to have to use too many colourful words, but hey, this is an adventure!We have entered into the world of fertility treatment. It's a strange and frustrating world - one that holds some promise of hope and joy, knowing in the end, if all works out, we will have a little one, or ones of our own. In the meantime...IT SUCKS!
We are at the beginning of this road. It is exciting and terrifying to say the least. I am a hotbed of emotions and I have decided to blog because I need to be able to say what I think and share it - even if it is just with a big empty hole of cyberspace! Every time I talk about my fears, my anxiety, my questions with the well meaning people around me - I am met with judgement ("You need to calm down") or suggestions ("If you relax it will happen") or I am told I am doing it/thinking about it/talking about it in all the wrong ways ("You're so negative, it will never work if you aren't positive"). So I say eff that! I hate being criticised for just talking about the amazing emotional roller coaster I am on.
I need this blog. I need to rant, and rage, and cry, and scream IN CAPITAL LETTERS, and I need to celebrate, and curse, and let it all out - hopefully without the fear that I am always wrong. So I begin. If you are reading this...thank you! Brace yourself, I have a feeling this will be a rocky ride.
xc
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